7/4/2012

"He is poison," she said as she stared in to the abyss where I had so carefully laid my heart. Her words, spoken in love, laid bare every moment of pain and shame I had felt since... 

How not to write a thesis Part II

So here we are...2weeks before Spring Break, 3 weeks before a full draft is due to the Grad School...and well I am writing. I have FINALLY figured out a way to organize myself, but there are still issues. I am a walking library because I can't get it together and I am to nervous to leave the house without every book relating to my thesis in case I get inspired to use a different quote other than the one I think I wanted.

I have 8 pages. Eight Pages that when I get them back I fully expect to be marked up to kingdom come. But I have 8pgs that I am happy with even if the committee is not. I know they are not thesis material yet, but they will be and so will I.

So off I go, to finish chapter 1 and begin Chapter 2 (which I think will be really good) and hope to hear from potential committee members.

52/52

I stumbled on this website earlier this year when a friend posted something about it in a comment on my facebook page. Fifty Two books in fifty two weeks. As an English major I bemoan the lack of reading in my own life so I was so stoked to see this. I thought I would give it a try and see how many I can read. I will not count books toward my thesis on this so there maybe a few weeks where this little blog is silent, but I think it will also be a good way to keep up with blog posting.

So here are books 1-3

Percy Jackson and the Olympians : The Lightning Thief
The Sea of Monsters
The Curse of the Titan

I confess these are young adult books, (more preteen) but they are fun retellings of the Greek myths and the imagination the author has to put Hades in L.A. and Olympus at the top of the Chrysler bldg in NYC is brilliant.

I am a bit behind those already started, but there is no rush. I have an entire spring and summer after my thesis to read read read and let me tell you there will be much reading, (mostly anything NOT having to do with infanticidal women) after said thesis is finished.

And for those about to ask, the thesis is coming...very very very slowly.

Sir Dalton and the Shadow Heart by Chuck Black - a review

Sir Dalton is a young knight in the service of an unknown King and his Prince. Like all knights Sir Dalton has trained and spent many hours studying the codes by which he swears to live by including pledging allegiance to the King and his son. Chuck Black has created a world that is new to me in this third book of The Knights of Arrethtrae series, but it is not a world with which I am entirely unfamiliar. I have not read the first two books, but my own voracious reading reminds me that Knights live by a code and swear allegiance to a King. These codes go to the very heart of the Knight and he (or in Black's case occasionally she) must believe with all their hearts that the King they serve is truly King of the land of themselves. That moment of doubt is where Sir Dalton falls prey to those that seek to do harm to the Kingdom of Arrethtrae, the Shadow Warriors.

There is something in Sir Dalton that even those who do not know the ways of Chivalry will be able to follow. Sir Dalton is young, but he knows what he wants in life. He has plans and desires that are good and right to have, but he finds himself questioning whether he truly believes in the King. This questioning leads to the fight for Sir Dalton's life in more than one way.

I enjoyed this book on many levels. I think for young readers it is the perfect mixture of peril and hope. There are moments for those of us who are older readers where we could roll our eyes and think how obvious, but Black does a good job of asking the reader to come with him and trust him to lead us back to the path of remembering the King. In one scene (I promise I'm not giving too much away) Black describes a prison with no doors, no bars, and only guarded by a few guards and wild dogs. It seems like a strange thing to think of a prison that way, but when you stop and think about it we place ourselves in those very prisons every time we let fear, doubt, and numerous other thoughts invade the place in our hearts where the King should rule without rival. Chuck Black does not make Sir Dalton's trials over the top or so simple that you cannot root for him. You want Sir Dalton to overcome because as a reader it is good to be reminded that there is evidence of the King all around, we just have to believe.

how not to write a thesis

I don't know if this will ever be anything more than me venting my frustration about the thesis writing process.

I have been researching my topic for a year and a half - I know my topic. What I do not know is how to organize my thoughts and ideas to make sense and then compile them so that they make sense to a reader. I know my topic, what I do not know are the ancillary things that need to be compiled so that reader can also understand my topic. What can I take fore granted with my reader? Who is my reader? Does my reader even care about those things that I think they need to know in order to help them understand the era?

My biggest problem to date has been my inability to nail down my organizing. It has been my chief complaint about my graduate school experience. You take all these classes and then at the end you are supposed to compose a small book that will take you to the next level in your education. Somewhere I feel like I missed the proverbial boat.

I rarely have trouble writing a paper. I do the research and I write. I have tried to think of the chapters as individual papers to no avail. There is something about trying to write the 1st chapter of something that you can't wrap your mind around. I know, I know if I would just write something down that words might flow, but there is something to wanting things to be organized and simplified. That is the way we are taught to write, research, organize, outline, write. Simple. No.

North! Or Be Eaten - a review

There is something amazing in turning the page of a book and not recognizing the phantastical creatures that appear not only in the written word, but the occasional well drawn excerpt from Pembrick’s Creaturepedia. Such is the story in Andrew Peterson’s North! Or Be Eaten the second book in the Wingfeather Saga. N!OBE (as it is affectionately known) picks up quite literally where we left the beloved jewels of Anneria at the end of On the Edge of the Dark Sea of Darkness living with their Uncle Peet the Sock Man in his treehouse preparing with their mother Nia, and former pirate grandfather Podo, for a trip that will take them north to the Ice Prairies where the Fangs of Dang cannot follow.



While the first book On the Edge of the Dark Sea of Darkness entertained me with its wit and quick paced movement, I found myself slowing down to capture every moment in this book. I am more invested in the Igiby family and wanted to savour their escape. It was Janner Igiby that I found myself drawn to as I read through the story. It seemed with every page you could see Janner growing into the protector of his family whether he wanted to be or not. It was often times in those moments of not wanting to be protector that he found himself most alone and out of control.



I confess I thought I knew how the book ended, but never was I more surprised when I got to the last ten chapters and knew that my plans would wait while with baited breath, tears of sorrow and joy, I found an end that was most unexpected.



I could tell you about the songs of the Sea Dragons, the stories that Podo, tells about Stranders and toothy cows, I could even tell you how Janner, Tink, and Leeli begin to believe they truly are the Jewels of Anneria; I could tell you all about those things, but Andrew Peterson does it so much better than I. So curl up any where you dare find, carve out a few hours and read: read about adventures and dangers unknown, read about creatures you have never even dreamed about, read about and remember how we (as much as the Wingfeather family) are created for so much more than we dare dream or imagine.

1978

Sleep

It is 2:56am according to the right hand corner of my computer. Now 2:57 and I have no idea why I am awake at this hour on a Monday morning. Maybe it was the pile of school books I rolled on top of that woke me, maybe it was the sudden heat wave that over takes you after you are used to be so cold while sleeping, maybe it was a higher wake up call. I remember being told a long time ago that if you were awake at this hour that it was God trying to get your attention, that He had better plans for you than just sleep. I think about that now. Not that I couldn't use the quiet time, my life is anything but quiet these days. Well, that's not true, I am quiet, but life is not quiet. There is SO much going on with a thesis, conference, family, car, classes, work, friends, church, roommate, that the list could be endless.

I've been reading alot lately (mostly random) so I have no idea where I read this but it went along the lines that worry is a sin. A sin because when you worry you are not trusting God. I do not think that is a fair assessment of worry, true it can get out of control, but is not worry a deeper level of concern? Is not showing concern for our friends, family, and neighbors what we are called to? I feel bad because my friends and family are on my mind, but my mind is so consumed with thesis that I can rarely call them, let alone set hours aside to be with them. I schedule research trips to cities so I can see friends and family in between the open hours of libraries.

The above link in a few days will have a sermon on it from Feb 8, the speaker will be Joel Walker; (I hope, I am typing this before the podcast has been posted and there were technical difficulties in the recording) he talks about being a community focused on the community instead of the individual, along the lines of the Acts 2 community found in the early church. Joel asked the question who outside your spouse knows your heart? Since I have no spouse I can easily answer that question: no one. There are some that are close to it, but now, no one. I have the been there done that attitude that leaves me with the faint traces of pain because for whatever reasons (some good and some bad) they are no longer in my life and what is the point of baring your soul to someone if they are going to leave. Not leave because you did, but leave because life dictates it; moves to new city, falls in love with someone else, etc. You have to keep telling your secrets over and over...

It is 3:24am. I have some clue of what this day will be, long, hard, busy. There are always the unexpected things though that life brings which I guess is what makes life interesting. Like being awake at 3:25am

Last entry for 2008

It is half past ten p.m. and I am at home in my flannel rubber duck jammies and old navy fleece top, an earache, sore throat, and slight fever are my companions for this festive evening. My friends are out at parties for the most part taking place at one another's homes and friends of friends. I could have gone out, I could have sucked it up, drugged up, and put on a brave face going out for the last night of the year. However this year does not deserve to be waved good bye. I find that this year needs to be silently placed in a box on a shelf, and quietly allowed to pass.

There have been great moments, I learned to paint this year, I jumped off the top of a two story pontoon boat without being bribed, I have made friends that I think will be life long friends, and not those who weave in and out for a season, although I have made those friends too. And while the old adage of count your blessings always applies I think I am content to let this year end quietly.

In fact, the past week has been exceedingly quiet; Christmas with a friends' cats and me watching LOTR and Jane Austen movies, with the obligatory call to mom and grandpa. Then spending a few days in the silence of that house before returning to the singing and bass beats of my house. I do not write this for pity, I am happy that I have friends and family that love me and want to include me (although none of them know how I spent Christmas, until now) but the silence of my soul is what I crave at the end of this turbulent year.

I lost me this year. Lost who I was amidst a sea of sadness and depression that threatened to take my dreams. Lost my bearings for a belief that I thought I had found again, only to realise how easily I can wander away from my true love. I have struggled to be smarter than, wittier than, and quicker than those around me, only to see the bitch they see in return. I sense the questions when I do not do something that everyone around me thinks is the only answer only to see the disappointment in their eyes when I could not follow through.

I know myself well enough to know that resolutions are not to be kept. They are lovely thoughts that tend to be misplaced when the first round of things go wrong. If however, there is to be a goal outside the usual lose weight, pay off debt it is this; to remember who I am, to find her again, to love her just as she is, and remember I am loved, just as I am by the Creator and the one who dares to let me call him Abba.

sometimes it is hard to remember who i am
amid the mess i have become...

Life...or something like...

There has been an explosion in my life. I went from a slow summer of working some, hanging with friends lots, reading some, and falling through floors, to a world where I know nothing of slowing down and where the reading potentially may never end. Welcome back to school. Since the 2nd day of school I have been behind on reading, although today after 6 straight hrs of reading I am within sight of catching up on course reading, there is always the never ending thesis reading that threatens to bury me under a sea of words, pamphlets, and deadlines.

This is also one of the times in recent memory that I have a life. That is exceedingly strange to say, but it is true. A few friends are in school, but the majority are not so there is a the tension within to want to see them and hang out with them in whatever capacity that looks like, but then we return to the never ending reading list and our heart must turn toward that we have worked so hard for.

Within that slow summer I confess passed the time I could have been writing a thesis that would have potentially allowed me to graduate in December, but through unknown forces I did not write, and now have decided December is not to be, and will graduate in the Spring 2009. there is opportunity within that delay though, I may now expand my knowledge of literature by taking a few (gasp and choke) American Literature classes. This will broaden my resume and hopefully thereby broaden my job choices. There is a tinge of sadness knowing I could have done things differently, but there is also the feeling of relief that I can now write the thesis that I want to write, and not the one I had to write to get out.

Blogging is slow and will be for awhile. I need to read and focus on that. I promise to attempt to keep up somethings, sometimes.

Absolutely

You said I wanted you to notice me,
you were right.

On one day, for one moment, I wanted you to think of me as you think of every other woman in your life: beautiful.

I wanted you to see a woman not covered in dirt or sweat, but dressed up and ready celebrate life with all her friends

But you did not see me

I do not know who you saw that night or what she did to you, but now even I no longer exist in your world

you have absolutely shut me out
and I can absolutely remain unknown

an update....

I find myself out of sorts as I write this, maybe it is the fact that with one leg upon a chair it is difficult to actually do anything of significance, or think anything of significance. :) the knee is still with me. I am back at work on a limited basis. thanks to dax I am able to drive his car and he has mine until I can either afford a rental or drive my own (which is my preference). I am not babysitting because who once someone with not alot of balance or quickness watching munchkins.

I have discovered a new piece of clothing called the tennis skirt. It is a skirt with shorts underneath it. I normally wear skirts in the summer as the are cool and easy to dress, but when you are forced to always have your leg up when in a sitting position skirts are out of all questions. Now, yes I could buy more shorts, but as it is august and summer is (hopefully) on the downward slide, at least with my tennis skirts I can repurpose them to the exercise room after the leg brace is burned.

I am going to the dr again on thursday in hopes of getting news that I should start trying to go without the brace. I am also in the process of lawyer hunting. I am getting passed between landlord and contractor and all the bills came last week totaling just under 1000$. eek.

School starts soon though and between now and then I have a wedding shower, a boat day, and a wedding. A dear friend is wandering back to town, although if I will be able to see him and spend any time with him will be questionable. Oh, and a pesky thesis to write.

Again, not much to say...

The past week...

A bit over a week ago I did the thing I feared the most in my own home, I fell through the kitchen floor. No, I am not so big that the floor gave through, there had been two very weak spots in the kitchen/utility room floor for about the past 4 years and my landlord finally got around to getting someone to fix the floor. I was house sitting at the time so I was not around for the beginning of the work, but came home in the middle of the work. The most shocking thing was to find my refrigerator and stackable washing machine/dryer in the living room. That made getting ready for boat day a bit more difficult than one would imagine.

So I was cutting watermelon and generally puttering around the kitchen because I had not been told that I should not. Well I was looking for a knife in the block and suddenly I was halfway through the floor. One leg was all the way through up to the hip and the other one somehow got twisted up and slammed into a joist. The contractor and his assistant pulled me out and away from the hole. I had and have a good deal of scratches and bruises that some have healed and some are still trying to heal. The knee however is another story...

As someone who hurt themselves a good deal in their younger days I have learned how to 'shake' something off. I thought that is what I could do with the knee that got slammed into the joist. It wasn't swollen when I got up and I had to work at Starbucks a few hours later so I really just tried to shake it off. I went to work and as the night went on the knee hurt worse and worse. By the time I got home I was in tears and could barely bend and put wait on it. I texted a friend to see if they were awake, I figured if nothing else he could take my mind off my knee with his unique sense of humor. He was on the phone so I tried to just go to sleep and I could not. He called me a little later and at that point I was in tears again and he took me to the hospital.

At the hospital (which was unusually quiet for a friday night) they took xrays and declared it to be either a bad sprain or a torn ligament. I was placed into a brace that literally goes from hip to ankle which my friend had the pleasure of helping the nurse get on me. I was taken back to the place where I was house sitting and on the way home I was still wanting to go on Boat Day even at 3am with crutches and a brace. My friend however guilted me out of it by telling me how all my friends would be worried about me and not having a good time because of me. So he won and I stayed home. :( I was sad, because I love boat day and had been looking forward to it for weeks.

So the title of this blog is the past week and the past 4 paragraphs have been about one night, but that night has dictated this week and the weeks to come. I have been told that because I can bare wait and bend the knee that it is most likely a bad sprain. I still have limited motion and I cannot stand long without leaning on something. the thing that has been the hardest has been to rely on others. My pride has been my ability to take care of myself. Now granted if you need help I will rearrange my schedule to make sure that I can get for you what needs to be taken care of. But when it comes to me I want to be able to provide for me. I have had to rely on my friends this week to drive me to various doctors, bring me and even make food for me and even sometimes simply keep me company since i am trapped in a house.

There have been days when I have just been defeated, when the pain and the loneliness and the worries of who is going to pay for this overwhelm me. I have been encouraged to speak with a lawyer which I know I should, but for some reason I am afraid about things that I cannot control any way, so why be afraid?

Today I was told I should be in the brace for about 6 more weeks. This brace inhibits all I do, not to mention the fact I own and drive a 5 speed that does not work without the clutch. Work involves chasing after munchkins and making coffee both of which is not done well with a knee that does not bend. I know my friends will be there the next few weeks, I hope I do not wear them out, I hope they know how much I love them and how much they amaze me at their willingness to just scoop me up and do the things that I refuse to admit i need help with.

Another thing to the never do again list

We all have that list the one we secretly tuck away in the back of our heads when we do something that no matter the reasons we did it we will not be repeating the experience. Well to that list this week I add falling through a floor. Now granted I did not make it all the way to the ground, one leg went through the floor and the other one got twisted up and slammed into a joist. I am well bruised and scraped up on the right side of my body and the knee on the left leg is the unforantant recipient of a brace.

Fortuantly I have unbelievable friends who are taking me on in my misery making sure I am well fed and cared for, and driven to and fro. Tomorrow I go to the dr to see if I can hobble around without the crutches, i think there will be points I still will need them, but it would be nice to go without them for some parts of the day. I'll try and post pictures of something soon.

There are days when I wonder if it was really worth getting out of bed. If the point of the day was to wander through it like some lonely person waiting for something to strike your fancy and begin the pull out of what it is you find yourself in. It is infinitely hard not to be cynical in a world that seems to be rushing past you faster than you can keep up.

But, sometimes at the end of the day if you are really lucky, a 3yr old will snuggle up next to you, tell you she loves you and lay quietly beside you as you read a book. Sometimes it is hard to be cynical at that moment.

ah, for that moment to stretch...

a BREAK IN CAMP

so i am going stir crazy at camp. i have not been trapped in one place for so long (excepting the drugged up stay at St. Thomas ) since my freshman year at Belmont. I cannot go anywhere because I am not supposed to leave the kids and am with the same people all day long. There is the possibility that I am going to lose my mind before this time tomorrow. :) The food is the same, the people and conversation is the same and the drama is out of control.

i need a nap in MY big fluffy cool, non-roommate bed

Camp Days 1-3.5

So here we are day three of camp and it is lecture day. Today we are learning about the Middle East which the professor prefers to be called Southwest Asia. So far we have walked through the crusades up to the 6day war between Israel and Egypt. The kids are getting ready to do a mock UN simulation between Southwest Asia countries. Tonite after dinner we are going bowling, something I have not done in a looonnnnngggg time.

Yesterday we went to Chattanooga to a ropes course for the kids to do some team building and analytical skills that they will need this week. We left a little after 5:30am and let me tell you that was the quietest bus ride I have ever taken any where.When we got to Chattanooga it was kinda rainy so the group did a few ice breaker activities inside before heading out to the ropes course. I did not participate in swinging from harnesses but took lots of pictures. (see picassa pg)

It was a long day, but one that taught the kids alot about themselves and also about working together. It is easy to see with these kids that they are smart and want to succeed and have fun. However, the old adage of to many chiefs and not enough indians comes to mind. At one point yesterday the person in charge of the adventure guild was telling the kid show to do something, but they could not stop bickering amongst themselves to hear her.

After a long night of restless sleep. Sunday morning was a nice sleeping time, i however left my face wash at home, so i went out and picked up some along with a few other things that i thought would be nice to have with me, including sunscreen. The lecture of the afternoon was about the history of the middle east (or southwest asia). Afterwards the lecture led to a mock UN debate between the nations of the middle east (southwest asia). The point of this part was to try to come up with a way to deal with Iran and its surrounding nations in the event that Iran becomes Nuclear. The kids seemed to have a great time and it went well. In fact I am pretty sure that a war broke out between the UAE and Morocco.

Last night we took the kids bowling and after one game most of them were done. We broke off into groups and will begin to work on their final projects which involve the kids planning the future of foreign policy in America.

So far it has been good. It is so weird being in camp again. I mean I am not in the middle of no where in a tent but there is this strangeness to bed and food.


Day 3

So it is Monday and today was the day we have waited for hunting for Weapons of Mass Destruction on campus. A professor came in and gave the briefest of explanations on GPS systems and then sent the kids off a hunting for things like 'dirty bombs', TNT, IED's, and other things that could be found on a war front or used by terrorists. The GPS systems were kinda hard to figure out, and their margin of error was about 6 meters, but alot of the kids were able to use them really well and then the ability to work in a group came back into play. They did a great job only missing two of the targets out of 35. The afternoon is spent trying to figure out how to read gps maps and the programs that go with them.

Tonite is a work night. They are going to start working toward their futures that as a group they want to see America head toward. It will be interesting to see what this group of students come up with. I confess it is not even something that I have thought much about. I suppose though that as a citizen and a registered voter that i should be interested in the future and attempt to have a conversation about this concept.

More to come.....

Duck on a covert operation protecting the identity of a camper...need I say more? :)

old emails....

I do not generally think of myself as a pack rat. I can throw away that drawing from kindergarten and not think too much about it. Things that I do not use regularly get taken to goodwill or sold at a yard sale. But pictures, letters and emails. Now there is a different story. I have been nostalgic today. The events of the last half of last week have dragged me to a melancholy place. So tonite instead of going to bed and reading northanger abbey till I fell asleep I began sifting through my email accounts and reading / deleting emails. One address comes up quite often, especially through 06-07. I was actually quite surprised in rereading those emails because it shows how much this person and I have changed. He much more so than myself, but I think he would agree that I too have changed in smallish ways none the less.

There are of course emails that I would like to delete because they hurt to read. Truth cuts deep, and runs swiftly, but it is truth and I should be a lessor person without it.

So to my friend who got me through the night I thought would never end, I say thank you. Your words mean more to me now because I can see the truth.