It is late and I am at school, but I have not blogged in a while so here we go. First, I am so close yet so far from a thesis topic that it is insane! But, I have a good chunk of the faculty here at school pretty excited about my potential topic that I am starting to get excited, but also nervous that I may be biting off more than I can chew. (Guess that is how they weed out the weak though) Secondly, it is the holiday in retail land and I am holding on for dear life trying to just get through. I want to finish the semester strong and then get a good handle on the thesis proposal, but I am beginning to feel like I am letting everyone down. The third thing is the whole kick that the christian world seems to be on about community. Personally I am quite sick of it. Mostly because it is kinda silly. we sit around in our circles talking about how great community is, but then when someone falls off the face of the earth for a month there are no questions, no accountability just nice to see you. It is hard to believe that there is a true sense of community amoungst Christians when no one notices that your gone.

Yes, I know you are all wondering what this grand thesis topic is going to be...well I am not going to post it on the Internet for all to see. the world of English Literature is quite competitive and one has to keep the slight advantage all that they can. But, if you ask nicely I will tell you privately.

cheers
c-

decisions...

It is strange as we grow how our decisions change. When we are little some of the biggest decisions we have to make is to decide between McDonald's and pizza or Twinkies or hoho's. Of course out first major decision is college and while we seem to think that it is a make or break decision; as we grow we realise that it really wasn't.

Then we continue to age and of course a career begins to form and we try to make decisions that will lead us in that direction. yet, there is something, sometimes in the back of our brains that nags every once in a while...what if? What if I do this where could it lead? What if I do this instead...will it change everything or only one thing?

Can you tell yet what I have been thinking about the past few days? I have a job offer coming my way that would make my life easier because I would only have one job and in 6 months could attend graduate school for essentially little to no cost. Then there is what I am currently doing which is working two jobs sometimes three and paying for graduate school on my own. Now I know most of you reading this would say duh do the one job, but is it really that easy? I had to beg for one of the jobs I have now and I gave my word that I would give a years commitment to this position. The other job I have literally just begun and I already enjoy it and the people so much. It is a new challenge, but one that I have been looking to for a while.

Besides we all know that I hae never taken the easy way to anything. Is that because there was no easy way or because of the things I had set myself up for? Then again where does providence fit into all of this?

Robert Frost's poem The Road not Taken has been something I have been pondering this evening. Is the narrator really sorry that they chose the road they did? What does he mean by the wearing on the road was about the same? Is there regret in the narrator's tone or a wistfulness?

I have placed the poem here so you too may venture a guess. Of course it goes without saying that your prayers and encouragement is always most welcome. There are no new pics because well I have not taken any. maybe soon. maybe not.



TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 5

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same, 10

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back. 15

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Change again...

I know I have mentioned this before, but I do not like change. One of my best est friends in the whole world moved to the other side of the world earlier this week and I feel lost. I unintentionally spent the whole day with him the day he left. I went there to day good bye with the intention of being there 20 minutes tops, but 5 hrs later I left. I was so proud of myself I did not shed one tear until the very end. Even when he somehow talked me into packing his suitcases and running to his neighbors house to borrow a scale I did not cry. Right now it just seems like he is on one of his trips to south Dakota or Birmingham, not the other side of the world.

Yet, as I type this crying for me or him I do not which one yet. I find myself pondering my future. Maybe it is not Nashville for me either. If the current plan works out (a BIG if these days) I hope to find myself in England or Scotland next fall for school. That in itself is an unimaginable change, but one I keep hoping for with increasing anticipation. I even ponder things in my house to sell to help get me there.

So there it is. My blog for now.

I do not brag about things I do very often but I love these pictures. I have been carrying my camera around with me and when I was having a picnic lunch with my friend Janet I snapped these pictures of the Parthenon in Centennial Park here in Nashville.

It was a cool April Saturday and then sun was playing peek-a-boo so that is how some of the shadows and glares came about. Janet and I walked the little trail around the park for awhile.

You will have to scroll down through the previous two postings to see all the pictures because it was easier to post them bit by bit then to post them all at once.

Let me know what you think...good or bad all critiques welcome! Enjoy!!!

The first pic is of Hore Abbey from the Rock of Cashel.
The next two pictures are just of Hore Abbey. The following blog has more pictures of the abbey, I just found these and wanted them available for viewing also.

This is one of my favorite spots in all of Ireland. It is called Hore Abbey and it is nothing but a ruin sitting at the bottom of the Rock of Cashel.
it was founded in 1266 by Benedictine monks but the ruler of Cashel dreamed the monks were plotting to kill him so he destroyed their ordered and seized the land and brought in Ciscterian monks.
I thought this place was one of the best that we visited. I just loved the fact that these ruins were in the middle of a field literally untouched.
I LOVED the ceiling. It amazed me that such a wonder could still exist after 900 years.
i think I could have stayed there all day if Deborah had not reminded me that we were headed to the Cliffs of Mohr later that day.

less than 4 days

I am acting like the world is about to come to an end, but as far as I know it is not, I am just having a birthday in less than 4 days. It is a rather big birthday as these things tend to be. It is weird, even a month ago I was fine to me it was no big deal turning 30, but now I want to run and hide. Maybe it is such a big deal now because it is not going to be a big deal (if that statement makes sense.) Last year I was in Ireland and spent my birthday kissing the Blarney Stone and hanging at a pub with dear friends and amazing music. This year not so much.

I never understood people freaking out about turning 30, but I am beginning to. There is so much I have not done, or seen and almost half my life is over. I know we are not promised anything, but if you go by the standard age calculations these days...

I want to go back to Ireland that is. Go back and stay, if not there then England or southern France, anywhere in Europe where the history can be stood upon at any point in your day. Places where history is lived and not toured. A place maybe even to start fresh with only school loans hanging over my head and not the abject failure that things here seem to be.

things to ponder with less than 4 days to go...

PS: the pics are of my friend Deborah and I: one we are at the top of Blarney Castle and the other is with Blarney in the background. yes, I kissed the Blareny stone and I will not be posting those pics for public consumption, but if you want to see them email me and ask nicely and I will consider. :)

I hate change. It never has been one of the things that I can deal with. I am afraid of things that I cannot control and change is one of those things. Things change to quickly. I have had alot of friends move and get married in the past year and soon one of my dearest friends is moving to the middle of Europe. I am still in the same place I was ten years ago just ten years older and maybe a bit wiser.

I think some of this is because I am 6 days away from 30 and watching everyone around do something that I thought would have been me by now. I wonder if we truly hold ourselves back, or if the old adage of life is what goes on while we are trying to live is what this is. How did I find myself here? I think I have a few answers to that question, but the question that I truly what an answer to is how do I get myself there? Europe, grad school, a husband, a family, all of these things are good desires so why don't I want them?

I met a girl, a classmate actually who told me that she wants to teach at the college level more than anything and that that has been her drive for the past few years. She is incredibly intelligent and knows what she wants and what it takes to get there. She even knows that if she does not get accepted to a doctoral program this year that she can apply next year and use the in between time to work on publications etc.

Can will power really get me there or is there something I am missing?

Back to the friend moving to Europe. how do I tell them that I want them to be happy and go, but at the same time deal with losing them? I have leaned on them so much these past few months and now they have no time for me. I feel like a petulant child, but want this person to know how I feel. Of course one could ask if it would matter even if they did know. I am not asking them to not go, just to remember.

12:39am

That is the time I am writing this. There would be nothing special about that time in general. Most people are asleep in anticipation for the coming day, but I am awake. I have just cleaned up the flood from what one could consider a rather small washing machine, but it was a flood none the less. I am guessing that the water was running for about two hours before I got up to move the clothes from the washing machine to the dryer. Normally this would be a big deal in ones life. It is definitely an inconvenience that is for sure. Yet, this is the thing that at the moment is pushing me over the edge. I cannot sleep, i am not even tired. I guess this is one more thing that I can add to the list this year. The list of will it ever end? Sometimes I think if one more crappy thing happens what am I going to do? I know, I know I have it so much better than so many people in the world, but that is them and I am me.

I know this is not pictures of anything except what could be considered a whiny girl. I guess this is how I feel tonite.

I love this picture. It is my friend Deborah standing on the cliffs of Hook Head Peninsula in Ireland. It was so cold and sleeting that day, but it was such an amazing journey to this part of Ireland. We stopped at a pub for lunch and stopped at Jerepoint Abbey which you will see many pictures of on this page sooner or later. :) This day above all others was such a great day. The long car ride with Deborah out and back was a time of good long talks about painful things and of wonderful music. Derek Webb was on the ipod and two songs in particular I still remember; "Beloved" and "She Must and shall go free." I still listen to those songs and they take me back to this day. I could have stayed at this place forever. I felt such an amazing peace here. The wind was so cold and the rain soaked our coats, but at the same time with the sound of the sea gulls, and the roar of the crashing waves against the rocks and sand there was a silence that I cannot begin to explain. For the first time in months I really felt God telling me that I was going to be okay. The mess of the past year was still there and there was residual things to deal with, but for the first time in such a terribly long time I really felt God's presence resting in me.

For so long over the past few years I felt like the water just being thrown against the rocks without abandon. I felt helpless and then I realised I was helpless. That feeling was again driven home at the end of October when I had back surgery and lost my job all within two weeks. It has been good to look back at these pictures and remember the quiet in the storm. Those moments when the waves would be sucked back out to the sea by the tide and even the seagulls and wind were still in those moments.