Last entry for 2008

It is half past ten p.m. and I am at home in my flannel rubber duck jammies and old navy fleece top, an earache, sore throat, and slight fever are my companions for this festive evening. My friends are out at parties for the most part taking place at one another's homes and friends of friends. I could have gone out, I could have sucked it up, drugged up, and put on a brave face going out for the last night of the year. However this year does not deserve to be waved good bye. I find that this year needs to be silently placed in a box on a shelf, and quietly allowed to pass.

There have been great moments, I learned to paint this year, I jumped off the top of a two story pontoon boat without being bribed, I have made friends that I think will be life long friends, and not those who weave in and out for a season, although I have made those friends too. And while the old adage of count your blessings always applies I think I am content to let this year end quietly.

In fact, the past week has been exceedingly quiet; Christmas with a friends' cats and me watching LOTR and Jane Austen movies, with the obligatory call to mom and grandpa. Then spending a few days in the silence of that house before returning to the singing and bass beats of my house. I do not write this for pity, I am happy that I have friends and family that love me and want to include me (although none of them know how I spent Christmas, until now) but the silence of my soul is what I crave at the end of this turbulent year.

I lost me this year. Lost who I was amidst a sea of sadness and depression that threatened to take my dreams. Lost my bearings for a belief that I thought I had found again, only to realise how easily I can wander away from my true love. I have struggled to be smarter than, wittier than, and quicker than those around me, only to see the bitch they see in return. I sense the questions when I do not do something that everyone around me thinks is the only answer only to see the disappointment in their eyes when I could not follow through.

I know myself well enough to know that resolutions are not to be kept. They are lovely thoughts that tend to be misplaced when the first round of things go wrong. If however, there is to be a goal outside the usual lose weight, pay off debt it is this; to remember who I am, to find her again, to love her just as she is, and remember I am loved, just as I am by the Creator and the one who dares to let me call him Abba.

sometimes it is hard to remember who i am
amid the mess i have become...

Life...or something like...

There has been an explosion in my life. I went from a slow summer of working some, hanging with friends lots, reading some, and falling through floors, to a world where I know nothing of slowing down and where the reading potentially may never end. Welcome back to school. Since the 2nd day of school I have been behind on reading, although today after 6 straight hrs of reading I am within sight of catching up on course reading, there is always the never ending thesis reading that threatens to bury me under a sea of words, pamphlets, and deadlines.

This is also one of the times in recent memory that I have a life. That is exceedingly strange to say, but it is true. A few friends are in school, but the majority are not so there is a the tension within to want to see them and hang out with them in whatever capacity that looks like, but then we return to the never ending reading list and our heart must turn toward that we have worked so hard for.

Within that slow summer I confess passed the time I could have been writing a thesis that would have potentially allowed me to graduate in December, but through unknown forces I did not write, and now have decided December is not to be, and will graduate in the Spring 2009. there is opportunity within that delay though, I may now expand my knowledge of literature by taking a few (gasp and choke) American Literature classes. This will broaden my resume and hopefully thereby broaden my job choices. There is a tinge of sadness knowing I could have done things differently, but there is also the feeling of relief that I can now write the thesis that I want to write, and not the one I had to write to get out.

Blogging is slow and will be for awhile. I need to read and focus on that. I promise to attempt to keep up somethings, sometimes.

Absolutely

You said I wanted you to notice me,
you were right.

On one day, for one moment, I wanted you to think of me as you think of every other woman in your life: beautiful.

I wanted you to see a woman not covered in dirt or sweat, but dressed up and ready celebrate life with all her friends

But you did not see me

I do not know who you saw that night or what she did to you, but now even I no longer exist in your world

you have absolutely shut me out
and I can absolutely remain unknown

an update....

I find myself out of sorts as I write this, maybe it is the fact that with one leg upon a chair it is difficult to actually do anything of significance, or think anything of significance. :) the knee is still with me. I am back at work on a limited basis. thanks to dax I am able to drive his car and he has mine until I can either afford a rental or drive my own (which is my preference). I am not babysitting because who once someone with not alot of balance or quickness watching munchkins.

I have discovered a new piece of clothing called the tennis skirt. It is a skirt with shorts underneath it. I normally wear skirts in the summer as the are cool and easy to dress, but when you are forced to always have your leg up when in a sitting position skirts are out of all questions. Now, yes I could buy more shorts, but as it is august and summer is (hopefully) on the downward slide, at least with my tennis skirts I can repurpose them to the exercise room after the leg brace is burned.

I am going to the dr again on thursday in hopes of getting news that I should start trying to go without the brace. I am also in the process of lawyer hunting. I am getting passed between landlord and contractor and all the bills came last week totaling just under 1000$. eek.

School starts soon though and between now and then I have a wedding shower, a boat day, and a wedding. A dear friend is wandering back to town, although if I will be able to see him and spend any time with him will be questionable. Oh, and a pesky thesis to write.

Again, not much to say...

The past week...

A bit over a week ago I did the thing I feared the most in my own home, I fell through the kitchen floor. No, I am not so big that the floor gave through, there had been two very weak spots in the kitchen/utility room floor for about the past 4 years and my landlord finally got around to getting someone to fix the floor. I was house sitting at the time so I was not around for the beginning of the work, but came home in the middle of the work. The most shocking thing was to find my refrigerator and stackable washing machine/dryer in the living room. That made getting ready for boat day a bit more difficult than one would imagine.

So I was cutting watermelon and generally puttering around the kitchen because I had not been told that I should not. Well I was looking for a knife in the block and suddenly I was halfway through the floor. One leg was all the way through up to the hip and the other one somehow got twisted up and slammed into a joist. The contractor and his assistant pulled me out and away from the hole. I had and have a good deal of scratches and bruises that some have healed and some are still trying to heal. The knee however is another story...

As someone who hurt themselves a good deal in their younger days I have learned how to 'shake' something off. I thought that is what I could do with the knee that got slammed into the joist. It wasn't swollen when I got up and I had to work at Starbucks a few hours later so I really just tried to shake it off. I went to work and as the night went on the knee hurt worse and worse. By the time I got home I was in tears and could barely bend and put wait on it. I texted a friend to see if they were awake, I figured if nothing else he could take my mind off my knee with his unique sense of humor. He was on the phone so I tried to just go to sleep and I could not. He called me a little later and at that point I was in tears again and he took me to the hospital.

At the hospital (which was unusually quiet for a friday night) they took xrays and declared it to be either a bad sprain or a torn ligament. I was placed into a brace that literally goes from hip to ankle which my friend had the pleasure of helping the nurse get on me. I was taken back to the place where I was house sitting and on the way home I was still wanting to go on Boat Day even at 3am with crutches and a brace. My friend however guilted me out of it by telling me how all my friends would be worried about me and not having a good time because of me. So he won and I stayed home. :( I was sad, because I love boat day and had been looking forward to it for weeks.

So the title of this blog is the past week and the past 4 paragraphs have been about one night, but that night has dictated this week and the weeks to come. I have been told that because I can bare wait and bend the knee that it is most likely a bad sprain. I still have limited motion and I cannot stand long without leaning on something. the thing that has been the hardest has been to rely on others. My pride has been my ability to take care of myself. Now granted if you need help I will rearrange my schedule to make sure that I can get for you what needs to be taken care of. But when it comes to me I want to be able to provide for me. I have had to rely on my friends this week to drive me to various doctors, bring me and even make food for me and even sometimes simply keep me company since i am trapped in a house.

There have been days when I have just been defeated, when the pain and the loneliness and the worries of who is going to pay for this overwhelm me. I have been encouraged to speak with a lawyer which I know I should, but for some reason I am afraid about things that I cannot control any way, so why be afraid?

Today I was told I should be in the brace for about 6 more weeks. This brace inhibits all I do, not to mention the fact I own and drive a 5 speed that does not work without the clutch. Work involves chasing after munchkins and making coffee both of which is not done well with a knee that does not bend. I know my friends will be there the next few weeks, I hope I do not wear them out, I hope they know how much I love them and how much they amaze me at their willingness to just scoop me up and do the things that I refuse to admit i need help with.

Another thing to the never do again list

We all have that list the one we secretly tuck away in the back of our heads when we do something that no matter the reasons we did it we will not be repeating the experience. Well to that list this week I add falling through a floor. Now granted I did not make it all the way to the ground, one leg went through the floor and the other one got twisted up and slammed into a joist. I am well bruised and scraped up on the right side of my body and the knee on the left leg is the unforantant recipient of a brace.

Fortuantly I have unbelievable friends who are taking me on in my misery making sure I am well fed and cared for, and driven to and fro. Tomorrow I go to the dr to see if I can hobble around without the crutches, i think there will be points I still will need them, but it would be nice to go without them for some parts of the day. I'll try and post pictures of something soon.

There are days when I wonder if it was really worth getting out of bed. If the point of the day was to wander through it like some lonely person waiting for something to strike your fancy and begin the pull out of what it is you find yourself in. It is infinitely hard not to be cynical in a world that seems to be rushing past you faster than you can keep up.

But, sometimes at the end of the day if you are really lucky, a 3yr old will snuggle up next to you, tell you she loves you and lay quietly beside you as you read a book. Sometimes it is hard to be cynical at that moment.

ah, for that moment to stretch...

a BREAK IN CAMP

so i am going stir crazy at camp. i have not been trapped in one place for so long (excepting the drugged up stay at St. Thomas ) since my freshman year at Belmont. I cannot go anywhere because I am not supposed to leave the kids and am with the same people all day long. There is the possibility that I am going to lose my mind before this time tomorrow. :) The food is the same, the people and conversation is the same and the drama is out of control.

i need a nap in MY big fluffy cool, non-roommate bed

Camp Days 1-3.5

So here we are day three of camp and it is lecture day. Today we are learning about the Middle East which the professor prefers to be called Southwest Asia. So far we have walked through the crusades up to the 6day war between Israel and Egypt. The kids are getting ready to do a mock UN simulation between Southwest Asia countries. Tonite after dinner we are going bowling, something I have not done in a looonnnnngggg time.

Yesterday we went to Chattanooga to a ropes course for the kids to do some team building and analytical skills that they will need this week. We left a little after 5:30am and let me tell you that was the quietest bus ride I have ever taken any where.When we got to Chattanooga it was kinda rainy so the group did a few ice breaker activities inside before heading out to the ropes course. I did not participate in swinging from harnesses but took lots of pictures. (see picassa pg)

It was a long day, but one that taught the kids alot about themselves and also about working together. It is easy to see with these kids that they are smart and want to succeed and have fun. However, the old adage of to many chiefs and not enough indians comes to mind. At one point yesterday the person in charge of the adventure guild was telling the kid show to do something, but they could not stop bickering amongst themselves to hear her.

After a long night of restless sleep. Sunday morning was a nice sleeping time, i however left my face wash at home, so i went out and picked up some along with a few other things that i thought would be nice to have with me, including sunscreen. The lecture of the afternoon was about the history of the middle east (or southwest asia). Afterwards the lecture led to a mock UN debate between the nations of the middle east (southwest asia). The point of this part was to try to come up with a way to deal with Iran and its surrounding nations in the event that Iran becomes Nuclear. The kids seemed to have a great time and it went well. In fact I am pretty sure that a war broke out between the UAE and Morocco.

Last night we took the kids bowling and after one game most of them were done. We broke off into groups and will begin to work on their final projects which involve the kids planning the future of foreign policy in America.

So far it has been good. It is so weird being in camp again. I mean I am not in the middle of no where in a tent but there is this strangeness to bed and food.


Day 3

So it is Monday and today was the day we have waited for hunting for Weapons of Mass Destruction on campus. A professor came in and gave the briefest of explanations on GPS systems and then sent the kids off a hunting for things like 'dirty bombs', TNT, IED's, and other things that could be found on a war front or used by terrorists. The GPS systems were kinda hard to figure out, and their margin of error was about 6 meters, but alot of the kids were able to use them really well and then the ability to work in a group came back into play. They did a great job only missing two of the targets out of 35. The afternoon is spent trying to figure out how to read gps maps and the programs that go with them.

Tonite is a work night. They are going to start working toward their futures that as a group they want to see America head toward. It will be interesting to see what this group of students come up with. I confess it is not even something that I have thought much about. I suppose though that as a citizen and a registered voter that i should be interested in the future and attempt to have a conversation about this concept.

More to come.....

Duck on a covert operation protecting the identity of a camper...need I say more? :)

old emails....

I do not generally think of myself as a pack rat. I can throw away that drawing from kindergarten and not think too much about it. Things that I do not use regularly get taken to goodwill or sold at a yard sale. But pictures, letters and emails. Now there is a different story. I have been nostalgic today. The events of the last half of last week have dragged me to a melancholy place. So tonite instead of going to bed and reading northanger abbey till I fell asleep I began sifting through my email accounts and reading / deleting emails. One address comes up quite often, especially through 06-07. I was actually quite surprised in rereading those emails because it shows how much this person and I have changed. He much more so than myself, but I think he would agree that I too have changed in smallish ways none the less.

There are of course emails that I would like to delete because they hurt to read. Truth cuts deep, and runs swiftly, but it is truth and I should be a lessor person without it.

So to my friend who got me through the night I thought would never end, I say thank you. Your words mean more to me now because I can see the truth.

A new place to find a man (tongue in cheek)

so some friends and i pulled an all nighter last week. I think they had a reason, but I did not other than keeping them company. so at 5:30am we decided we were hungry and started rattling off places to eat. Cracker Barrel is where we landed so off we went. Now i've seen the sun rise because working at Starbucks at 4:30am affords me that privilege. It was a nice drive however and a chance to see the sun come up the horizon through the trees. we got to cracker barrel a few minutes before it opened so we listened to the radio and looked at the parking lot. One thing we noticed was that there was a lot of men. In fact my friend and I were the only girls. We noticed it but didn't think much of it until we got inside and sat down. not only were we the only girls other than the waitresses, we were the youngest people in the building.

i cannot remember when I was one of a handful of girls someplace. The thing was however, not one of those men could have been under 45. In fact most of them were closer to my grandfathers age. It was amusing. and fun.

so girls, if you are looking for an older man, 6am at the cracker barrel is the place to go. :)

I love my front porch as it faces west and the sunsets. These are from this past winter.

the epiphany of the week...

I have learned something this week. I guess the more appropriate phrase would be I have re- learned something this week. I have learned how much more fun somethings are with a child.

First example the movie Prince Caspian that has come out to the theatres. Now of course I went the first night, in fact I was the third person in the theatre. I saw the movie with some friends, but it was nothing compared to when I took Fletcher. Fletcher is one of the twins I sometimes watch and have watched since he was 6weeks old. He is now 7 and had a rough time of it this school year, so I started buying him books that he might actually want to read and Caspian had been redone into an easy reader and he loved it, so as a reward I took him to the movie. Now, I've read the book a few times and had even read the book earlier in the week so I could be properly prepared to cut the movie to size when it deviated from the book. Needless to say it did and the first night I saw it I was unhappy, but when I took Fletcher to see the movie something changed.

First I am glad that the theater was huge and that there were at most 15 of us there. Fletcher asked tons of questions that couldn't be answered yes or no all the time, and some of them were good questions. Questions like why does Miraz want Caspian dead and why does Miraz want to be king? These are all good questions and there were lots more as the movie went on, but as the movie went on I found myself watching Fletcher instead. I was worried that the violence would be to much for him, and it was because he crawled into my lap and stayed there for the rest of the movie right before High King Peter dueled Miraz. But the best part for me was watching Fletcher realize what was happening when Aslan came back. There was a light that was unmistakable and Fletcher got it. He suddenly knew that things would be okay because Aslan had returned to Narnia.

There were no more questions after that except when could we see it again, and when was the next movie coming out? He got the fact that Aslan had saved Narnia and that things would be as they should. It was fabulous listening to him on the way home talking about Aslan and Reepicheep. He even had the sword slashing down.

I confess after seeing the movie with grown ups that I was disappointed, but after watching the movie with Fletcher, I get it a but more. They ideas that Lewis wanted to get across are there and they are strong, I still however disagree with the down playing of Aslan.

My second epiphany this week happened on a trampoline with a 3yr old. Now by default she has more energy than me on her worst days and this was one of those days. There was an almost constant flow of snot from her nose and whining was more in line with the tone of her voice than actual words. But the minute she hit that trampoline it was all business and if I did not jump high enough or fast enough than I heard about it. Also I was rewarded with a thumbs up from her if I did it her way.

Now I always have an amazing time with Caroline. She has grown into this sassy little girl who literally yells "Miss Stina" when I walk into the house and then runs at me full speed screaming and laughing. I too cannot help but laugh. She is hilarious and I adore every minute I get with her. The jumping tonite reminded me that she will not always want my company inside the trampoline, and sooner still she will not want me to push her on the swing. I hope however that I will forever be Miss Stina. Her laughter echos through the quiet, well manicured neighborhood that sometimes I think we will get in trouble for being so loud, but how can we stop laughing? How can I tell her that her life won't always allow for loud laughter? I cannot, so for now we jump on the trampoline and I too give over to the loudness and the insanity that comes from the thoughts of a 3yr old.

Here is an update from the past few weeks of my life. It is not much as I am not really sure what I have to tell that anyone cares to read.

First, the semester is all over but the grades. I spent much of the past two weeks at the library and or someplace with a wireless connection trying to get all the work typed, turned in, and done with some sense of sanity remaining. The sanity part really didn't happen. In fact the 1st day of finals I dumped a venti cup of fresh brewed coffee allover myself. Well it really wasn't dumping as much as it was I was squeezing the cup (unbeknownest to myself) and it exploded while I was talking to a classmate about studying together for an exam. I laughed about it later, but at the moment my scalded hands and no longer exsisting cup of coffee were enough to put me in a corner to cry; but who had timefor that when there are papers tobe edited and turned in.

You might also have noticed that some of my words are scrunched together, well that is because I droppedtwo books onto my laptop keyboard injuring the space bar. It works on one side, but not the other so I have had to adjust my typing, it is amusing, especially when I am in a hurry, I just let the wordsruntogether and then go back and space them out. I didn't drop the books on purpose, they were on a shelf above me and as I was reaching for them they slipped.

One paper was absolute crap. In fact if I donotget a failing grade, I may protest it, because it deserves a failing grade. THe other paper was okay. I was not pleased, but when I read it aloud as a conference paper to the class it was highly praised, like highly praised, and believe me I was stunned. Stunned.

So I slept all day the day afterfinals. My body could probably sleep some more, but I want to get on a schedule again that resesmbles normalcy. I have kept the most erractic hours the past two weeks, mostly not getting home until well after midnight and getting up andout way to early.

I really cannot think of much more to say. It will be a melancoly week as my dear friend is being whisked away to MI. While she will be close tomyhometown, she will still be in MI and I down here. I know I wouldnot have made it my first semester back if it hadnot been for herkindness and generosity.

I've been advised to offer an advisory warning to the following so I will since I respect the person who gave the advice; not all men in the world treat women with such disregard, it just seems to me lately that me and my friends have been coming across these kinds of fellows with increasing regularity, so with that warning here is my blog.

"Perhaps they see us not as people but as playthings....."

When it comes to men, I wonder if this statement could not be truer. Men would rather look at a woman than talk to her; they would rather play with her emotions rather than remember she is a tender creature easily broken. It is easy to think of what we are supposed to be, what we are told we should be as women; strong and willing to rival a man in industry and sport, but is that really what we want? It is easy to say we want to be treated equally, but when it comes to love what is our condition? Do we not long for a man who will open the door for us, think every part of our being as precious and wonderful as we do theirs?

"It is not what we say or feel that makes us who we are, it is what we do, or fail to do"

These words were said tonight by a young woman whom one would least expect to make such a statement. Marianne Dashwood was ruled by her emotions and thought the love she felt for Willoughby was true and good. Maybe it was, but it was based on a series of events and moments where Willoughby could seduce a young woman into believing almost anything. Maybe as women, we want to believe everything and that is why the Willoughby's make such a mockery of us.
Maybe we no longer believe that Mr. Darcy, Captain Wentworth, Edward Ferrars, and John Knightly's exist. Can such men exist in a world that screams at us to listen to the Willoughby's and Henry Crawford's of the world? Live by your emotions and be swept off your feet at the first sign a man pays attention to you.

What is that deep longing that stirs inside a woman when a man leans in to listen to what she is saying? What unknown desire is awakened when he says a kind word without provocation? How do we live with ourselves knowing there is so much more out there and yet find ourselves willing to settle for the rake that deigns to settle himself upon us.

Maybe we are playthings, the in between filler they wait for until the woman they want returns their glance. She could be a long lost love, or just someone whose circumstances will guarantee their happiness; whoever she is, wherever she is, may we not allow ourselves to be her understudy. As a modern woman trying to find oneself in the maze of equality and femininity, let us be mindful that there are moments in time where we know with our whole being that this George Wickham is no Fitzwilliam Darcy, and no piece of clothing or airs to be had will change the fact that our souls only stir when the real thing glances at us.

Diane and me









Janet and I

















Diane Jack Daniels me
































duck on Griffith



















my baby sister came to town the week of my birthday and it was great fun to see her and show her my Nashville. Our 'big' trip was down to Lynchburg and the Jack Daniels Distillery. It was free which is always a plus, and it was a nice time to be had. Also during the week my dear friend Janet treated us to tea at Miss Mable's as a lovely break in an otherwise hectic week for her. She has always been infinitely kind, and I will miss her more than she knows once she is whisked away to Ann Arbor by her very very smart husband.

there are more pictures on my flickr pg and my picssa pgs, if you need those links, you know how to find me. :)

All types of Willoughby's

I have been back handedly insulted by a boy tonight. He is practically perfect except the fact he is an ass; an unmitigated ass. It is hard to know if this fellow is friend or foe. He will talk, but nothing serious, he will ask for things with not a hint of gratitude, and quite a different person depending on who you speak to. I suppose that if I cannot decide than he is quite a foe.

Also speaking of Willoughby, the new version of Sense and Sensibility is on pbs tonight, part one tonight where we are introduced to all the characters and all the twists and turns. This Willoughby while not as dashing as the Ang Lee version, decides that Lord Byron is much more romantic than Shakespeare. Indeed, Lord Byron is perfectly romantic and much more so than Pope. (sigh) While friendship is always acceptable, particular reasons for showing ladies inside Allenham is always lovely.

Religion and Philosophy


I have had one of the most eye opening conversations tonite that I have had in a long time. I contributed little to the conversation, but things people said have me thinking so I am going to pose this question. Answer if you wish here or you can email me, most of you guys have an email address for me. It leaves me thinking....

Why do I go to church?

Being Sick

There are few benefits to being ill. There are people who feel bad for you and therefore want to offer aid if necessary, the days off of work, although you feel guilty for missing work and worry about the work you will have piled up when you return, and the hours in bed or on the couch. These particular moments can be a pleasure if you allow. First, you have to get over the guilt of lying on the couch and doing nothing. You are sick, so gather your tissues, a paper bag to throw those tissues in after various uses, a large glass of water, a small glass of juice, and any sort of medicine that is fulfilling its purpose. Then there is the task of finding what to watch on television. There is the usual dribble that panders to the at home crowd on a variety of channels. Then the 24hr news channels, but it is not this that will provide comfort to you in your misery. A select genre allows for the ease of mind that one finds a necessity in illness.

This genre allows you to escape into a world where women wore long dresses with high waists, men wear top hats and breeches, parents’ angle for that perfect mate, and younger sisters generally make pests of themselves. The Austenian novel transformed to the big screen (or small screen depending on which you watch) gives one the perfect excuse to recline on the couch and wistfully wile away a day or three and lose oneself in the joys and misery of Jane, Elizabeth, Darcy and Bingley, Emma and Mr. Knightly, Edmund and Fanny, Marianne, Eleanor, Edward, and Willoughby. There are more and there are variations on the more, but there is nothing like the wit and intellect that Austen put in her novels to cheer even the most feverish of souls.

Of course, my personal favorite-without question Pride and Prejudice BBC/A&E production that came out in the 90’s. I still remember the first time I saw it, I was living with a dear friend, and she absconded it from her mother for us to watch. I had pneumonia in late spring and in its VHS form, I was afforded an hr on each tape to watch Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennett verbally spar with each other and their friends and family. I lay on the couch for days switching out the tapes or rewinding them if I fell asleep before I saw the scene I was waiting for on that particular tape. Now I can watch it on DVD and only have to change the disc once. There is still comfort in watching Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennett go back and forth with each other even though now I too can join in the fun by quoting the dialogue to an empty house.

While I never wish myself ill, I find solace in the happiness that will be experienced from a day or two on the couch and Jane as my most trusted companion.